Body repairs

Am facing my first major health issue in life related to ageing. Other than the thinning of the hair in the front of my head that is. To cope with that, I stopped shampoo and switched to artisan soaps. I did notice that hair loss was considerably lesser after I began washing my hair with those soaps. But, that was still about vanity. This is about functionalism. It started last month when I woke up one morning with excruciating pain in the right hand. I could barely lift anything. I was going to be traveling on work so pulled along. Plus, laziness along with a sense of lets just see this through meant I never made it to the doctor. Googling the symptoms told me that I likely had a tennis elbow. I still haven’t gone to the doctor. The pain though lessened still persists. Two evenings ago, I began seeing wavy lines in front of my eyes. I googled and it told me that I was having an ocular migraine. I was highly stressed when this happened and I knew my body was reacting to the stress. The stress was as usual because of social isolation. Things are difficult at work. It is why I so happy to be away traveling on work for so long. My workplace makes me very unhappy. There is an unspoken boycott of me. I was hurt because one person whom I thought I had a good rapport with also joined in the boycott. It was hurtful to return after so long and have her just smile and walk by. I was fairly angry and upset too because I have always been polite and very cordial with her. But, such is life, yes?

That stress transformed into the wavy lines. As the evening progressed, the migraine went away, but two of my fingertips on my left hand started becoming very tender and painful. I googled to see if anxiety lead to painful fingertips and did find a few links attesting to it. Then I googled only ‘painful fingertips’ and the symptoms were an exact match for carpal tunnel syndrome. This means both my left and right hands are currently out of whack. Plus, coughing or looking down is hurtful to my head. It is really tender. Because of the tennis elbow I was relying more on my left hand to handle my phone, so it responded with carpal tunnel to protest. Though these are physiological issues, I know this is my body’s reaction to stress. I am still wondering if I should go to the doctor. Diabetes is a cause for carpal syndrome too and I do know I am at risk for that.

I made it a point to wake up for a walk today morning. I wish I could be more regular. I means waking up at 5:30 to be able to do it at the time I want to so really want to adhere to it. I am also very stressed because a publication did not respond to my piece so am feeling quite like a loser. My gut is telling me to pursue it to publication, but my forecasts are all warning me to hold back until April 21st. So after being turned down by two pubs, I am going to wait until April 21st. It is adding to my stress. A successful piece would have helped me have a fig leaf for my dignity, but that was not to be. I wonder what about it was not publish worthy. I have such a dire need to give vent to my expressions and find an audience for it. But, am also very used to rejection and failure so I don’t stop trying even though it has been a long long time since I have had anything published. With this particular piece, I honestly felt that I need to do it for the people I was writing about because it was humiliating to watch them do what they did. Any way, let’s see what happens. The current political climate is also having an adverse effect on me. It is like the meta darkness to all the other dark things going on in my life.

I am becoming more aware about my body. Feeling desires to explore it and understand it. I am strongly considering beginning Kathak classes. I want to work on my body. It has been 34 years of being out of shape, of working out, losing weight, giving up, and putting it all back again. I have neglected it for every year of my life, but I want to see if it will respond if I respect it and give it time and space to be the kind of body that will not embarrass me. I wonder if I will be a happier person if that happens. I did go for a walk one day after returning from the travel and now I am keen to repeat it. I enjoyed it. I also want to do a trek to a place and it is essential that I be in good health to be able to do it. I have time until May 31st to see if I am in decent enough shape to be able to pay money and reserve my seat on it.

So that’s it about my body and the first sign of ageing that it experienced. A body that has not really known pleasure. A body that is a virgin. It is already begun to wear and tear. Wonder what is in store next.

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Sex on a song

I want to become this song. Or at least breathe it into myself so that it takes residence within my body. I think the closest I can come to this is to memorize the lyrics and make it mine. All mine. Maybe, it will suffuse my being with a hint of smoky sexiness. Magically, somehow, my widening girth and my forever discomfort with my body that is worsening by the day, will be transformed into something that will know passion. Perhaps it will chance upon me one day. Strong, silent, with depths that run deep, that will stir in response to me. Only me.

I want to say that Rangoon was a mess by Vishal Bharadwaj’s standards. But there were parts that held. I thought Kangana and Shahid were fantastic though they were let down by the direction. I found an erotic charge between them that I wish was exploited more fully. I did buy into their romance. Since their interviews and promotion interactions displayed an effort at keeping things cordial, I thought it a wonderful display of maturity at their craft as actors. I was surprised at Saif’s willingness to play this part, but not a gay character in Kapoor and Sons. He was my least favorite part of the film.

I want to wonder at failure and how Bombay Velvet and Rangoon both seemed to have seduced their makers so much that they lost their way. I can see why Rangoon is doomed more clearly than Bombay Velvet. Everything that is wrong with it is represented in the hammy climax. The nonsensical last scene of the film did not give it a chance on the tightrope of the box office.

I want to learn lessons. In being patient with myself and kinder about all my awkwardness and failures. I think sometimes watching accomplished craftspeople fail so publicly is nothing but an act of solidarity by the universe to demonstrate that everyone can mess up.

I want to fantasize. Julia with Nawab. Me with Nawab. About intimacy and closeness. About the pleasures of a body muscled and ripped. About stolen glances and kisses. And arms that leave you breathless with desire when they circle around you. About love. Both permitted and forbidden. About men in uniform who linger and think about me in their solitude. About biceps on which you want to trace invitations to things unspoken. About how badly I wanted to rip off Nawab’s clothes and peel the fabric away from his body while watching Rangoon.

I want to wonder. At Shahid Kapoor. How his genial likeability and the taken for grantedness of him always being around took me by surprise and turned to heartbreak that he was off the market on his wedding day. At how far he has come. At how much of a conformist and old fashioned traditionalist he is. At how he prefers the stability of a woman not from the film industry that is his profession. At how he wants to be with someone who will be willing to make a home for him her career. At how awareness of all this still does not act as a turn off at  him. Somewhere, I was half hoping that Priyanka and he would still end up together, but that was not to be.

I want to see more. More of Kangana Ranaut. I don’t know what the failure of Rangoon will do to her career. But, I hope her chutzpah will see her through. I don’t want her to fall flat. I want her gutsiness to bloom and for movies to be made that are written for her. She is a fantastic actress and a perfect delight to watch. I want to see her play the comic. I think she has a flair for comedy and I want to see her explore that genre more. I wish her longevity.

But, for the moment, it is this. This song. This intoxication that I want to own.

Yeh ishq hai

Sufi ke sulfe ki
Lau uth ke kehti hai
Aatish ye bujhke bhi
Jalti hi rehti hai

Yeh ishq hai, ye ishq hai

Sufi ke sulfe ki
Lau uth ke kehti hai
Aatish ye bujhke bhi
Jalti hi rehti hai
Yeh ishq hai, yeh ishq hai

Sahil pe sar rakhke
Dariya hai soya hai
Sadiyon se behta hai
Aankhon ne boya hain

Yeh ishq hai re, ye ishq hai
Yeh ishq hai re, ye ishq hai

Tanhayi dhunta hai
Parchaayi bunta hai
Resham si nazron ko
Aankhon se sunta hai

Yeh ishq hai, yeh ishq hai

Sufi ke sulfe ki
Lau utthi allah hu
Allah hu allah hu allah hu

Sufi ke sulfe ki
Lau utthi allah hu
Jalte hi rehna hai
Baki na main na tu

Yeh ishq hai, ye ishq hai
Bekhud se rehta hai
Yeh kaisa sufi hai
Jage toh Tabrizi
Bole toh Rumi hai

Yeh ishq hai, ye ishq hai
Yeh ishq hai..

Lyrics from here: http://www.lyricsted.com/yeh-ishq-hai-rangoon/#ixzz4aGx37yDp