Body repairs

Am facing my first major health issue in life related to ageing. Other than the thinning of the hair in the front of my head that is. To cope with that, I stopped shampoo and switched to artisan soaps. I did notice that hair loss was considerably lesser after I began washing my hair with those soaps. But, that was still about vanity. This is about functionalism. It started last month when I woke up one morning with excruciating pain in the right hand. I could barely lift anything. I was going to be traveling on work so pulled along. Plus, laziness along with a sense of lets just see this through meant I never made it to the doctor. Googling the symptoms told me that I likely had a tennis elbow. I still haven’t gone to the doctor. The pain though lessened still persists. Two evenings ago, I began seeing wavy lines in front of my eyes. I googled and it told me that I was having an ocular migraine. I was highly stressed when this happened and I knew my body was reacting to the stress. The stress was as usual because of social isolation. Things are difficult at work. It is why I so happy to be away traveling on work for so long. My workplace makes me very unhappy. There is an unspoken boycott of me. I was hurt because one person whom I thought I had a good rapport with also joined in the boycott. It was hurtful to return after so long and have her just smile and walk by. I was fairly angry and upset too because I have always been polite and very cordial with her. But, such is life, yes?

That stress transformed into the wavy lines. As the evening progressed, the migraine went away, but two of my fingertips on my left hand started becoming very tender and painful. I googled to see if anxiety lead to painful fingertips and did find a few links attesting to it. Then I googled only ‘painful fingertips’ and the symptoms were an exact match for carpal tunnel syndrome. This means both my left and right hands are currently out of whack. Plus, coughing or looking down is hurtful to my head. It is really tender. Because of the tennis elbow I was relying more on my left hand to handle my phone, so it responded with carpal tunnel to protest. Though these are physiological issues, I know this is my body’s reaction to stress. I am still wondering if I should go to the doctor. Diabetes is a cause for carpal syndrome too and I do know I am at risk for that.

I made it a point to wake up for a walk today morning. I wish I could be more regular. I means waking up at 5:30 to be able to do it at the time I want to so really want to adhere to it. I am also very stressed because a publication did not respond to my piece so am feeling quite like a loser. My gut is telling me to pursue it to publication, but my forecasts are all warning me to hold back until April 21st. So after being turned down by two pubs, I am going to wait until April 21st. It is adding to my stress. A successful piece would have helped me have a fig leaf for my dignity, but that was not to be. I wonder what about it was not publish worthy. I have such a dire need to give vent to my expressions and find an audience for it. But, am also very used to rejection and failure so I don’t stop trying even though it has been a long long time since I have had anything published. With this particular piece, I honestly felt that I need to do it for the people I was writing about because it was humiliating to watch them do what they did. Any way, let’s see what happens. The current political climate is also having an adverse effect on me. It is like the meta darkness to all the other dark things going on in my life.

I am becoming more aware about my body. Feeling desires to explore it and understand it. I am strongly considering beginning Kathak classes. I want to work on my body. It has been 34 years of being out of shape, of working out, losing weight, giving up, and putting it all back again. I have neglected it for every year of my life, but I want to see if it will respond if I respect it and give it time and space to be the kind of body that will not embarrass me. I wonder if I will be a happier person if that happens. I did go for a walk one day after returning from the travel and now I am keen to repeat it. I enjoyed it. I also want to do a trek to a place and it is essential that I be in good health to be able to do it. I have time until May 31st to see if I am in decent enough shape to be able to pay money and reserve my seat on it.

So that’s it about my body and the first sign of ageing that it experienced. A body that has not really known pleasure. A body that is a virgin. It is already begun to wear and tear. Wonder what is in store next.


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